Ciao's jokes

Discussion in 'The Cocktail Lounge' started by Ciao (Sheppy), Aug 17, 2016.

  1. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    it is a while since I wanted to open a jokes thread .... but as it wasn't very popular on the other forum
    I hope it will work better here ;):D:D
    so come on join in
    and is an ideal place to come to when trading doesn't go your way :):)
     
  2. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    so I start
    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

    :eek::D:D
     
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  3. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
    Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
    Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
    :rolleyes::D
     
  4. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    as we are in the Olympic fever

    THE GOLD MEDALIST
    Three women were sitting around talking about their *** lives.
    The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
    The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
    The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
    She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
    "How so?"
    "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
    ;):D:rolleyes:

    that's all folks... have a happy + smile day for now :)

    (I could paste some of the jokes that I posted on the other forum.... sorry but I can't remember which is which ... but many new more to came)
     
  5. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    if trading didn't go the way you wanted... have a smile :)

    A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
    A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

    :):)

    A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
    He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
    The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
    "No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

    :eek::D:D
     
  6. DvAbCanEh!

    DvAbCanEh! New Member

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    Hey Ciao, you have a great idea, just like the gal in this image.

    Maybe I can dig up something!

    See what I can dig up.jpg
     
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  7. DvAbCanEh!

    DvAbCanEh! New Member

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    Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
    As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
    Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
    Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
    'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
    'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
    'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow.
    She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
    Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
     
  8. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    DvAbCanEh:D:D:D keep them coming ... here is mine

    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
    " The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
    The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
    :rolleyes::D
     
  9. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer (or witness others who have to deal with them), this one is for you.

    In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers . Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, he slapped his ticket down on the counter
    and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
    something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate
    WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

    :D:p:D
     
  10. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    here are some to keep you :):)

    A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

    o_O:D

    A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
    When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
    Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
    The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
    "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
    "What's so funny about that?"
    "I'm a gynecologist."

    :oops::oops::eek::D:D
     
  11. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    Cheating Husband
    A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
    his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

    "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
    trip, so there's no risk."

    As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
    and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
    control!"

    "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

    After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
    a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
    always knew she didn't trust me!"
     
  12. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    I had to post this one... ;)

    an Italian went for a job interview in England
    before the interview, he was told that he must compose a sentence in English with three main words : green, pink and yellow.

    - I wake up in the morning,
    I hear the phone "green...green...",
    I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow" ?

    :(:D
     
  13. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
    He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at
    attention?"
    The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

    that's all folks.... have a nice :):) w/e ;):D
     
  14. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    by the look at it ,,, not many likes jokes :eek: come on a laugh and a smile change the day outlook ;):D

    Dear Son,

    I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast.

    We don't live where we did when you left. Your Pa read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cos the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen them since.

    It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

    Uncle Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We got really worried cos it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.

    The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery.

    Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

    :D:D
     
  15. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    Jonathan decided to paint his house.
    Not sure of how much paint to buy and knowing that Pete, a close friend who had the same size house had recently painted his,
    he gave him a call. "Pete," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your house?" "Ten," said Pete.
    Jonathan went out and bought ten gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over.
    Calling Pete again... "Pete," he said, "I bought ten gallons of paint for my house, but I've got two gallons left over." "Yes," said Pete, "So did I."
    :rolleyes::D:D
     
  16. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    A mother had three daughters, and on their wedding day, she would ask
    each of them to write home and tell her about their *** lives.

    The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The letter
    arrived with only a single message, "Nescafe." The Mother was confused
    at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on a newspaper, and it
    said; "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.

    Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a
    letter. There was only one message, it read; "Benson & Hedges." So the
    Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges´ ad, and it said: "EXTRA LONG, KING
    SIZE." The Mother was happy.

    After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive
    a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive. When
    it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS." The Mother was
    concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at home
    for a British Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted
    The ad read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
    :eek::eek:;)
     
  17. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    I think I need to post few more jokes ...the "troupes" seem a bit down it need some lough here :p:D


    Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
    A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

    Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
    A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

    Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
    A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
    David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
    Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

    Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
    A. Samson. He brought the house down.

    we had some trading/finance colleges :D:D
     
  18. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
    “Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”
    The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”
    The American replied: “Driving.”
    The farmer nodded, saying:
    “Yup, definitely the quickest way”

    :):D
     
  19. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    how I see my friends ;):D:p

    [​IMG]
     
  20. Ciao (Sheppy)

    Ciao (Sheppy) Well-Known Member

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    A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and
    said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

    :eek::D:D

    When God made man,
    he made him out of string.
    He had a little left,
    so he left a little thing.

    When God made woman,
    he made her out of lace.
    He didn't have enough,
    so he left a little space

    that's all folks..... I hope I give you a smiles :):):D
     

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